guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize