On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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