I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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