Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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