Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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