How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
