just tell him i said nine months
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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