I didn't shave. On purpose
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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