I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
