He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
