matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
