i was born a porn star she said
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
