Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
