Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
