I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
