You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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