Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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