John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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