just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
