dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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