Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
