If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
