i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
