You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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