the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
