I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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