So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
