was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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