I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
