I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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