Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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