turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
