maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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