i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
