I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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