how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
