I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
