happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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