i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
