I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
