Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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