One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
third nipple confirmed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
