How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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