I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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