Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wish there were birth control emojis
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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