you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
