Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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