I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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