you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
