I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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