Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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