if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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