You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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