Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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