There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
