My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
